Sunday, May 12, 2013

This is current

Sometimes everything sucks and everything hurts until it doesn't. This isn't a phenomenon that only happens during  a certain part of your life. It will follow you until you (hopefully) die of old age. Life throws everything at you and sometimes it is all at once and you are not equipped to deal with it and maybe you will fuck up everything. It is terrifying and emotionally draining. It is still true.

I don't know how to handle these moments. I've been alive for thirty years (almost thirty-one) and I have no idea how to deal with it, except to drink a lot of wine. Incidentally, that's not the best way to deal with it...

I don't think that there's ever a point where life becomes less confusing. It just continues to confuse you but in different ways. Or it confuses you in an eerily similar way but you've grown enough to be able to see it from a different perspective. Nothing, I'm afraid, gives you a concrete answer. Nothing points a definite way forward. Nothing takes into account the variability of emotion or circumstance. All the time, at every point in your life, you are dealing with something you haven't dealt with before. Fun, right?

I wish I had some incredible insight to bestow. I wish I could say that all you have to do is sit by a fountain at dusk while gazing at poppies and the answer will come to you. That is complete bullshit. The universe doesn't give a shit. The flowers aren't aware of you. Water will fucking drown you and the stars are all dead in the sky and you're just seeing their echoes.

This is why I'm no fun at parties.

Friends have been telling me to update my blog and I'm afraid that this is all I have for you.

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